Psalm 73: Be Near

It's been a while.

I've been debating what to write about. Having two kids limits me to when I can blog. Being a stay-at-home-mama is hard. It's so much fun. It's so rewarding. But...it's hard. I love it so much. But let's face it: When you spend your days trying to distinguish your toddler's jumbled language while shooshing your newborn, you go a little stir crazy. By the time Josh walks in the door, all I want to do is blabber my entire day so I can actually speak to an adult. For all you SAHMs, you know what I'm talkin 'bout.

Example:
Abigail: "Mom. hep peas."
Me: "What'd you say, baby?" (But actually thinking, '...what?')
Abigail: "Mom. hep peas!!!"
....she was asking for HELP PLEASE.

So I always have so many things running through my head: how to discipline my little girl, how to get the kids on the same schedule, when to find time to start cooking, being good wife, being a good mother, being a good daughter & sister, how to be a good Christ-follower, how to find time to spend reading & praying, and the list goes on...and on...and on and onnnnnnn. And that's why I am overwhelmed so much. I can usually push through it. But lately it's been a bit of a struggle. Twice this past week I've just cried. And I'm just gonna be real with you. I cry sometimes. I cry because I just want to have it all together and I feel like there's always something I'm not doing right. I know, I know. It happens to everyone. And believe me, Josh encourages me more than anyone. But, it's still hard sometimes.

So I thought about writing a blog on discipline for Abigail. Not HOW to discipline (because I'm learning that every.single.day), but just needing help. How to discipline in a loving way that Abigail understands. But instead, I'm gonna write about my morning:

I woke up at 8:15, baked some seriously gooey cinnamon rolls (drooling yet?!), Abs was watching Aladin, and then Josh took Jack so I could have "me-time" to read & pray. So that was sweet. Love you, Josh. I wasn't sure what to read, so I decided to just read a psalm and really pick it apart.

Psalm 73:
And I'll be honest. The first 24 verses I was like, "What in the world am I reading?" I wanted to give up reading it, which sounds a bit silly, ya know? But then I got to verse 25 and I was like YES. This is SO good.

"Whom have I in heaven but YOU?

And there is nothing on earth that I desire BESIDES YOU.

My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart

and my portion FOREVER.

For behold, those who are far from you

shall perish;

you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.

But for me it is good to be near God;

I have made the Lord God my refuge,

that I may tell of all your works."

Life is busy. Life is messy. Life is hard...but what I realized today was that in the midst of chaos, there is one thing that remains: God. Things on earth are temporary. They don't last. He does. He's the Everylasting God.

And for me? Although I am a stay-at-home-mama (and LOVE it!!), I have dreams. I dream of being a photographer. I dream of being a crafter. I dream of having money, not for unnecessary things, but for things to help me with my dreams. Right now we're just at a place where those dreams are on hold. But it's okay. I've learned to be okay with it. It sounds a little silly, right? Those dreams of mine seem so small. But it's who I am. I love to craft & I love to take pictures. When the kids are napping (as if that's ever at the same time), that's what I want to do. But then the house becomes extremely messy...and then house chores get put on hold....and then I feel like a bad wife...so then I try to justify it by saying that's my "alone time."

It's easy to get so wrapped up in "stuff"... Stuff that brings happiness for a little bit of time. But that's when it becomes an idol.

I don't think it's wrong to have dreams! I don't think it's wrong to want to have a hobby. BUT I do think that I could be spending my time wiser. I could be doing exactly what this Scripture says, and I'd end up being much more satisfied. Why? Look at verse 28: "But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works." 

If I spent more time in prayer, more time in the Word, more time with the Lord, if I make Him my dwelling place, my refuge, I would actually be able to testify to what He is doing in my life, rather than see what He is doing in others' lives. It's not healthy to live that way. I always love hearing what God is doing around me, but then wish I knew what He was doing in ME. That's the problem--not knowing, and I've found the solution in 2 words: Be Near.

So....If you're up for a challenge: Spend more time with God. Know HIM. Don't just know about Him. The closer you are with Him, the more you begin to look like Him. That's what I want. More than being a photographer. More than a crafter. Those are temporary desires. Make Him your refuge. Go to Him first before anyone else. You'll begin understanding what He's doing in your own life.

Happy Monday. Or Tuesday. Whatever day it is.

Anniversary

The Third-Year Insider:

Yesterday we celebrated our third anniversary. Eek! So many things have happened in the past three years: 2 (incredibly beautiful) babies, a move to Massachusetts, and so much more.

Josh turned the Pandora radio station on Josh Kelley (<-- click link) as I was about to go to sleep (the night before our anni) and the very first song that came on was our first dance from the wedding. So he made me get out of the bed, turn the light on, and dance. We danced, y'all. We don't dance. Eva. We're not dancers. But it was so sweet. It was our song. We had to. So we did. And I boo-hood the whole 4 minutes and 44 seconds. It instantly drew memories to mind of our life over the last 3 years of marriage, but especially 5 years of being together. The way God turned my life around completely and made me a new creation, the way He used Josh to get my attention, the way He has provided for us day in and day out, the way He has given us two wonderful children, the way He has made Himself known in only ways He can.

Being home in Florida has been so wonderful. Josh & I's parents live 5 minutes apart. So the morning of our anni, we dropped the kids (still so weird to say) and my little sister off at Gammy's house (Josh's mama). We headed to the beach...all....alone....with no kids?!?! It didn't feel right...but it was much needed. And seriously, Holy bazooka hot sun. We were out there for 1 hour and 19 minutes (who's counting?) and my. legs. are. fried. The sun was reflecting off of the sparkling white sand and clear water (jealous?!) into my eyeballs.  I need sun glasses. You could cook an egg on my retinas. After the beach we got some lunch, picked the kids up (still just as weird saying as 42 seconds ago), and swam in the pool at my parents house. Then we got ready for dinner and went out to a cute little shack on the water called Dewey's. That's where we went on our first date. Our whole dinner we just talked about all of the memories this restaurant brought us. We also talked about the things we look forward to in ministry. I get so happy thinking about a year from now and what we'll be doing. We have no idea where we'll be or what we'll be doing, but we do know that we'll go where we are called and serve God as a family. If someone told me in high school that this is what my life looked like at 25 years old, I'd think they were psychotic. Ministry? I didn't even know what that was. 'rAnd now that's where my heart is at. I wanna serve people for the rest of my life. 

So here's a questionnaire we thought we'd fill out and give you a little glimpse in the life of the Pools. 

1. What are three things he/she can't live without?

M: He can't live without iTunes (New-release Tuesday is a must), Dr. Pepper (disgusting), or cashews. Seriously? Cashews are so boring. 

J: Hmmm...not really a struggle here. 1. Target (#ihavebullseyenightmares) 2. Coke (she drinks it even when we are doing a 'no-soda' diet) 3. Casy Dowling (BFF is an understatement)

2. What are his/her love languages?

M: Josh is an acts-of-service-kinda-guy. We've got in many "tussles" over this before. The way he serves me is NOT the way that I serve him, and we end up expecting the other to show love the same way we show love. To him, washing the dishes (because we don't have a dishwasher.........) means he loves me. And to me? That just means one more chore is checked off the list. But I sure do love that I don't have to do them ;) I think words of affirmation is a close second. I have to make sure I affirm him in the things he does, although if I had as many talents as he does, it would be clear that he's doing a good job. He's an incredible writer, musician, preacher, and scholar. 

J: My lady loves giving gifts and receiving gifts. Receiving a gift from her has a different meaning than it used to. They symbolize thought and effort to her. I know I've been on her mind when something shows up in the mail for me. And quite honestly, the vice versa is true too. I have recently learned to navigate the Old Navy and Forever 21 (#shivers) websites because I know she enjoys gift surprises. I'll also add that she loves small things that take time, like written letters or cards. So I guess words of affirmation is a second love language, but it is written words of affirmation. 

3. Favorite traditions?

M: I love when happy hour rolls around at Sonic (between 2-5 in case you're interested) and we stop what we're doing to take a family-drive 30 minutes just for a soda that is half off. Sometimes we don't even want a soda, but the drive is just fun every time. :) 

J: Chipotle. Barbacoa burrito with black beans, white rice, cheese, and a side of guac. Steak tacos with cheese, lettuce, and sour cream, and their homemade salad dressing on the side. Bag of chips with hot sauce. Coke and Pibb Extra. Non-negotiable (almost) weekly tradition in the Pool family. Once it started breaking our bank, we began to curb our addiction...I mean 'tradition.'

4. Child-rearing philosophy?

M: Although our children are still small, our oldest, at a whopping 20 months, has learned the fabulous word, "No!" I want her to always understand that when she is doing something wrong, we are going to correct her and discipline her accordingly. I always tell her I love her immediately after the discipline. Our kids need to know that although they will disappoint us, we will always love them. 

J: A lot of this is still in the theory phase for me. I simply want God-fearing, serve-other-people kids. My constant prayer is that Abigail (nickname: Duz) and Jack (nickname: Brick) will be about others. Sometimes this seems far-fetched when Abs is screaming for a ball or for Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. But I seriously would love to see selfless kids in my home one day. What it means is that my child-rearing philosophy has to a be parent-exemplifying philosophy. Through God's work in our marriage and family, I have to be selfless toward Mandi and the kids. This is the tough work that a long day and cranky attitude can often thwart. But God's grace!

5. Any phobias or fears?

M: My biggest fear is dying in a car accident. Not just me, anyone around me. I always say, "drive safe" when someone leaves to go somewhere. 

J: Hate even thinking about it: being buried alive. Awful.

6. What's your favorite look on one another?

M: I love a good pair of jeans with a plain V-neck T-shirt and some sneakers...with his faded black (it looks blue now) FSU hat #gonoles...and a sports watch.

J: Well, when I first met Mandi it was at a restaurant (Crab Trap in Destin...love that place to this day). She was a hostess; hostesses had to wear a t-shirt and khaki shorts. Forever my favorite. I will say there can be a light modification: a nice shirt (called a blouse I think?) and shorts (jeans or khakis acceptable) with cute sandals. She wore something like on our anniversary. It was money :)

7. The other's godliest traits?

M: Josh is so gentle, just like his dad. He's caring and so generous. He puts me before himself in every situation. (Especially when I'm pregnant...which is like...always) His life's desire is to glorify God. 

J: Compassion. Always has been there. Compassion=tender-hearted and soft. Its a deeper kind of loveliness and broken-heartedness that she has. Wonderful.

8. Favorite things about the other?

M: He's SUCH a man of integrity. He holds fast to what is right. The way he respects his authority is admirable. Even if he doesn't necessarily like something, if his authority says so, he does it. I  love the crease in his face when he smiles. I love the way he plays with the kids. I love that if he's been gone all day and then his friends want to get together, he stays home so that he can spend time with us. I love him, no matter his depleting hair line.... 

J: (1) Mandi likes good music. Its pretty fun when we're on a road trip or even an errand run. She finds the oldies station and start making up dance moves on the spot. (2) She is seriously, undoubtedly, remarkably, unbelievably a good momma. Something I can just watch is her relationship with Abigail and Jack. She does a great job at loving them, laughing at and with them (more Abs here than Jack...he's still in the blubber goo-goo gaa-gaa stage), consistently disciplining Abs, etc. She really does a great job. (3) The smile. Her grandma talks about the twinkle in her eyes and its true. Her smile is a full-face one. Its beautiful. (4) She keeps up with her friends. Mandi has this thing, this ability, to stay connected to people in simply, lighthearted ways as well as deeper and more fundamental ways. Its something she is teaching me.

9. Least favorite thing?

M: Josh is an extremely focused person. He's not the...best... multi-tasker. Sometimes I ramble (I'm sure that's what his least favorite thing is) and he doesn't know how to do two things at once. If he's on the phone with someone and I ask him to ask them something before hanging up, he usually doesn't, because he couldn't hear me and the other person at the same time. To me, it's simple. So it's hard for me to understand why it's so difficult. 

J: Towels. Mandi, if we're being honest, has an innate ability to leave towels around the house. I can understand why two towels are needed (one for hair, one for body), but there are some days I find towels in like every room of the house haha. But, all things considered, I can usually just mention it and get over it.

10. Quirks?

M: Josh...ugh. He HAS to drink a few swigs of water before bed every. single. night. I love water. Like, love...but sometimes we'll be right about to go to bed and he'll turn the lamp on and get up because he forgot his water.

Also, he wakes up with a song in his head almost every morning. I don't get it. I wish it didn't happen. Because he'll start singing it, and all it takes is ONE VERSE of the song and it's in my head for days. DAYS.

And laundry. He's the worst laundry-folder EVER. I love that he takes initiative to fold the laundry when it's just sitting there, because let's be honest, laundry stinks. Figuratively, of course...because it's clean. doy. But when a folded shirt looks like Abigail took it out of the drawer and threw it on the bed, I'm obviously going to refold it. So this is a lose-lose situation for me. Either way, I ended up doing the laundry. I appreciate your efforts, baby. But stop it.

J: Mandi has this strange habit of brewing coffee, pouring a cup, adding cream and sugar and then taking like three sips TOTAL (from the entire pot). I never get it.

It often goes like this:
6.34 AM-wake up. Mandi says, 'Coffee sounds good.'
7.02 AM-coffee brewed. Cup poured. Wait for coffee to cool (3-6 min)
7.06 AM-first sip taken. More cream and sugar added.
7.11 AM-third sip taken. Mandi says, 'I don't want this.' Coffee poured out. Josh dumbfounded.

And one other thing: certain words make her cringe. Words like 'cusp' and 'encumbered' make her gag. Its kind of hilarious. Safe to say that I am often looking to broaden my vocabulary choices to discover new words that make her want to pull off a fingernail. (Just kidding...but seriously).

11. Ways we can improve our marriage?

M: We spend a pretty good amount of our day together. I think if we were a little more intentional and creative about the way we spend our time together, we would really grow as a couple. I'd love to do things in our community together, including the kids. Whether it's taking someone into our home who's homeless, serving at a soup kitchen, or even just picking up trash. Being together is my favorite thing in the entire world, so if we're serving together, it makes it that much better. Also, I think we could improve by putting our phones/computers/ipads away. That's my downfall. I love relationships. I love communicating. I love listening....so I love to text. Plus, I hate that stupid blue light that blinks until you read the message. It drives me bonkers. But I think if we put our phones away once a week we would really benefit from it because we'd get so much more done because we wouldn't be distracted. 

J: My dad always says that the 'twin towers' of a successful marriage are communication and conflict resolution. I think we're a whole lot better than three years ago, but our communication can get better. Quite honestly, I am a selective listener (see Mandi's response to #9). Though it is not explicit communication, I am still sending a message. By not attentively listening, I am communicating that something else deserves my attention. Sometimes patience and time are needed so that we can finish tasks well, but we should also be willing to put down the computer or pause the movie in order to listen well.

12. Most important lesson you've learned in the last 3 years of marriage:

M:  Vows. Our vows weren't made just for July 2, 2011. Our vows were made for every day. And when I vowed to love him unconditionally, I meant it. I have failed at that many times by putting myself above him, but I apologize when I realize it. When I said I'd follow him wherever the Lord calls us, I meant it. And that included moving to Massachusetts. The first year was the hardest because of having our first baby away from family after just getting married, but we were called to go there, so we did. Vows are not an option; they are a commitment forever. Also is that as much as I love our children (which is all of me...), our spouse needs to come first. It's so easy to pay more attention to our children than our spouse some times and care for them more. And it's not that I care for our kids more, I just care for them in a different way. I am constantly reminding myself of this.

J: I'd say its not to lose sight of marriage vows. Marriage is quite effective for pointing out selfish tendencies. But the foundation of a marriage is to serve the other, which then communicates the relationship between Christ and his church. Our marriage vows committed us to mutual submission and service (see Eph 5 and Phil 2.1-11 for biblical support). So if I am not remembering that day and those words, I have lost sight of the purpose and function of our marriage. It is a hard thing and something I often don't do well, but it is something I have learned and I am continuing to learn. The vows of a marriage serve as the vision statement or mission of that marriage.

Happy Anniversary to the kindest and most gentle-hearted man. You make me a better woman.