Hi!
I'm back.
Where was I? I'll tell ya. Somewhere other than 'Merica, "Land of the Free." Abigail has been holding me hostage. She may be the most wonderful three month old, but she is smart. Smart and a little manipulative. This is not an exaggeration, but everytime I would open my computer to start blogging, a piercing WAAAAAAAAA would strike the Pool House. She's lucky I love her more than my blog.
Anyway, I have plenty to write. If I get off topic, bare with me. (I said "if" as if i might...ha. ha. I will.) Abigail is in her bouncer across from me and making me giggle.
I never really wrote a blog about life at Seminary. I'll begin by saying I hated it...or at least HIGHLY disliked. I'm just going to be vulnerable here. Lay it all out. My husband already knows. Coming up here almost seemed like a mistake. I tried my hardest not to bring my bitterness of moving into our marriage. Unfortunately, I did. I was sad every day. Josh was working his fanny off trying to pursue his calling to be at Seminary, and I sat my fat pregnant bottom at home and just cried. Or complained. Or criticized. Or whined. Phillippians 2:14 says, "Do all things without grumbling or questioning..." I definitely grumbled. I definitely questioned. Why would God make us move a thousand miles away from all that we've known to move to a place that is so unfit for me? In that question, there was so much selfishness. We KNOW God called us here. Josh received an incredible scholarship to come here and the only thing we pay for is housing. He was confirmed time and time again that Gordon-Conwell was where he should be.
You know what I didn't do? Pray.
I completely lost sight of WHO God is because I let my discomfort and resentment get in the way. Every day I wondered why I wasn't growing, and now I've come to a conclusion. My hope wasn't in the Lord. My fears and anxiety were building up in me, and I wasn't doing a lick about it.
I joined this Tuesday night group, called Partners in Ministry. It was for women at seminary that were going to be pastor's wives. That's me. A pastor's wife-in-the-making. Once we split into groups, we went around the table to introduce ourselves and say a little somethin, somethin about ourselves. The lady next to me was first to go, so obviously I was last around the circle. All seven of the women went around the table and said they either worked alongside their husband as a youth pastor, has already been a pastor's wife (in another country), worked at the church, or anything else church-related. By the time it was my turn to speak up, I had already felt completely inadequate and so discouraged. Nobody was like me. I felt so....normal. I've only been a Christian for three years. Everyone else has been their entire life. I went home to Josh with such a spirit of sadness. Just another thing to get in my way. Josh was so encouraging through it all though. He would go to the library after class and write me letters saying how much he loves me. That may seem like a small gesture to you, but to me it meant so much. My two love languages are gifts & words of affirmation. Thank you, Lord for such a sweet, loving husband.
Looking back on the past four months, I think the one thing that was missing in our lives was a church. Do you know how ridiculous "church shopping" sounds? Or how it makes you feel? Blah. That's what. It felt like every time we tried a new church, we had to rate it. Which one was going to be more "appealing" to us? Which one is going to make us feel more welcome? One had to seem better than the rest. Anyway, after five very different churches, we found one! yippe! The pastor was speaking straight from the Bible. Truth was being taught. Hearts were being changed. Lives were being saved. That's what matters.
Every Tuesday night we go to our pastor's home for a community group. If you haven't joined one in your church, do it. It builds community, number 1, and number 2, it's encouraging and uplifting. We really are so incredibly grateful to have found this church and feel like we actually "fit in."
So, all this to say, four months later, we're comfortable. Lately I have been reminded that it's a brand new day. "Today is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it." -Psalm 118:24 Abigail and I pray that every morning. Josh always tells me we have two choices: let our circumstances get in the way of our joy, or be glad in what we're given.
Josh and I definitely miss "home," but we finally feel like we can call this place my new home. At least temporarily. I am comfortable here. I still hate the driving. The weather is still not on my good list. But our community is what's really kept me going.
Prayer:
Thank you, Jesus for your incredible provision. Thank you for your calling. Thank you that your ways are much higher than my own. Thank you for being mindful of me. Thank you for listening. Thank you for a husband who puts my needs above his own. Thank you for our church. Thank you for new friends. Thank you for disciplining me. Thank you for leading me. Thank you for directing me. Thank you for correcting me. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for making me in your image. Thank you for loving me. You are so good to my family.
