I've been debating what to write about. Having two kids limits me to when I can blog. Being a stay-at-home-mama is hard. It's so much fun. It's so rewarding. But...it's hard. I love it so much. But let's face it: When you spend your days trying to distinguish your toddler's jumbled language while shooshing your newborn, you go a little stir crazy. By the time Josh walks in the door, all I want to do is blabber my entire day so I can actually speak to an adult. For all you SAHMs, you know what I'm talkin 'bout.
Example:
Abigail: "Mom. hep peas."
Me: "What'd you say, baby?" (But actually thinking, '...what?')
Abigail: "Mom. hep peas!!!"
....she was asking for HELP PLEASE.
So I always have so many things running through my head: how to discipline my little girl, how to get the kids on the same schedule, when to find time to start cooking, being good wife, being a good mother, being a good daughter & sister, how to be a good Christ-follower, how to find time to spend reading & praying, and the list goes on...and on...and on and onnnnnnn. And that's why I am overwhelmed so much. I can usually push through it. But lately it's been a bit of a struggle. Twice this past week I've just cried. And I'm just gonna be real with you. I cry sometimes. I cry because I just want to have it all together and I feel like there's always something I'm not doing right. I know, I know. It happens to everyone. And believe me, Josh encourages me more than anyone. But, it's still hard sometimes.
So I thought about writing a blog on discipline for Abigail. Not HOW to discipline (because I'm learning that every.single.day), but just needing help. How to discipline in a loving way that Abigail understands. But instead, I'm gonna write about my morning:
I woke up at 8:15, baked some seriously gooey cinnamon rolls (drooling yet?!), Abs was watching Aladin, and then Josh took Jack so I could have "me-time" to read & pray. So that was sweet. Love you, Josh. I wasn't sure what to read, so I decided to just read a psalm and really pick it apart.
Psalm 73:
And I'll be honest. The first 24 verses I was like, "What in the world am I reading?" I wanted to give up reading it, which sounds a bit silly, ya know? But then I got to verse 25 and I was like YES. This is SO good.
"Whom have I in heaven but YOU?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire BESIDES YOU.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion FOREVER.
For behold, those who are far from you
shall perish;
you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.
But for me it is good to be near God;
I have made the Lord God my refuge,
that I may tell of all your works."
And for me? Although I am a stay-at-home-mama (and LOVE it!!), I have dreams. I dream of being a photographer. I dream of being a crafter. I dream of having money, not for unnecessary things, but for things to help me with my dreams. Right now we're just at a place where those dreams are on hold. But it's okay. I've learned to be okay with it. It sounds a little silly, right? Those dreams of mine seem so small. But it's who I am. I love to craft & I love to take pictures. When the kids are napping (as if that's ever at the same time), that's what I want to do. But then the house becomes extremely messy...and then house chores get put on hold....and then I feel like a bad wife...so then I try to justify it by saying that's my "alone time."
It's easy to get so wrapped up in "stuff"... Stuff that brings happiness for a little bit of time. But that's when it becomes an idol.
I don't think it's wrong to have dreams! I don't think it's wrong to want to have a hobby. BUT I do think that I could be spending my time wiser. I could be doing exactly what this Scripture says, and I'd end up being much more satisfied. Why? Look at verse 28: "But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works."
If I spent more time in prayer, more time in the Word, more time with the Lord, if I make Him my dwelling place, my refuge, I would actually be able to testify to what He is doing in my life, rather than see what He is doing in others' lives. It's not healthy to live that way. I always love hearing what God is doing around me, but then wish I knew what He was doing in ME. That's the problem--not knowing, and I've found the solution in 2 words: Be Near.
So....If you're up for a challenge: Spend more time with God. Know HIM. Don't just know about Him. The closer you are with Him, the more you begin to look like Him. That's what I want. More than being a photographer. More than a crafter. Those are temporary desires. Make Him your refuge. Go to Him first before anyone else. You'll begin understanding what He's doing in your own life.
Happy Monday. Or Tuesday. Whatever day it is.
