A Little Splash of the Pools: Dear sweet Nani...

Great.

I hadn't even typed one letter and I am already choked up. I can do this..

My beloved grandmother passed away peacefully on Tuesday afternoon. If we backtrack a week prior, I received an awful phone call; one unexpected to say the least. Josh, the kids, and I were in the car eating lunch when my phone rang. My family was on their way back from visiting my brother in Colorado. I answer my phone and my sister (she's 12) frantically responds, "Nana just had a heart attack." I had to stay calm, because the last thing I want to do is make a twelve year old scared out of her mind while she's in an airport restroom.

The next morning my mom caught the earliest flight to rush to the hospital to visit her mom. Text update after text update, I was still confused as to what was happening. Prayers were said throughout the day. Relying on God was the ONLY thing any of us could do. My hope is in the God who heals, the God who gives strength, and the God who loves. And although the worst outcome could happen at any moment, my prayers were that the same God of hope I was praying to could still be glorified in such an awful tragedy. I had to set my mind right, because all I wanted to do was shout on the top of my lungs.

The doctors did open-heart surgery and she was recovering so well! I thought the worst of it all was being healed and the road to recovery was just one day at a time. But, being 1500 miles away, the details were all over the place. Anyway, one thing lead to another and it just hit an awful turn.

My poor mother. She spent an entire week in the hospital by her mother's side, who hadn't even opened her eyes to see her there. They held hands. Nana would squeeze her hand, so I think she sensed her being there with her. And I only wish I was able to do the same.

Fast forward to this Tuesday and I received a text saying, "Nani will be passing very soon." I can't even handle this right now. I thought everything was getting better. I thought I would be up there to visit her next year. We JUST celebrated her 80th birthday party last year! Almost exactly a year ago.

So let me set the emotional side of this letter aside, and just talk about this wonderful lady.

Nani's 80th birthday was a BIG thing. We had it planned for months. Some people even took off work to fly in and see her! Nan, that's what I called her, was one of the most family-oriented people I've ever met. Family was her JAM. There had to have been 75 people at this party celebrating her. And you know what? She had no idea the party was even for her. Bless her heart. There were even banners up saying, "Happy Birthday!" and pictures of her hanging. I leaned over and said, "Nan, you do know this party is for you, right?" (She had already been there for a good solid hour...) and She slapped my arm the way she always did when she didn't believe something, and told me to "get out of town, Manda-moo." And then everyone started singing Happy Birthday to her, and tears just rolled down her face. I think her tears may have put that cigarette right out. :)

She is just so loved. I'm now more thankful than ever to have been able to live in Massachusetts for the past three years while Josh was in school because we were able to make a few trips a year to go visit. I remember the day we planned to go visit her and surprise her to tell her that I was pregnant with Jack. I was only 7 weeks along, but I wanted her to be one of the first to know! Nan had this crazy obsession with printing every picture known to man and hang (AND FRAME) on her wall. So I knew we'd have to take pictures for her! I'm so glad I did. I also got it on video of us telling her I was pregnant. Her response was classic. "Again?!" I know, Abigail was only 8 months old.

There are too many things to list WHY I love her, but I love thinking about memories of her. That's the thing that's keeping me from just losing it. My memories. And right now, it seems unreal to call them memories. It shouldn't be past tense. But that's just reality. I didn't realize I had so many until tonight when I was thinking about her. She used to live across the street from us when I was little and she'd always have us come over and make us strawberry milk and make us spaghetti. It was the only spaghetti I'd ever eat. The best. And now I have her recipe....just without onions, of course! I remember her having this ridiculous VHS movie collection and always having Jaws ready for us to watch. I remember writing letters to her once we moved to Italy. I remember every time I saw her, I would jiggle that skin under her arm because it was just so soft from all the wrinkles. It makes me laugh now. :) Sometimes she would just stick her arm out as soon as she saw us and say, "Have at it." I remember how she had such a strong Boston accent and would tell me to, "Get ya socks and shoes on, we're goin' to Walmahts!" She added an "s" to things that were most-definitely singular. I remember the look she had when she saw me put my wedding gown on. Sitting next to my mom, she got so choked up. She thought I was so beautiful. I was her Manda-moo. I remember her dancing at my wedding and getting her picture taken at the Photo Booth. [See picture below] I remember the way she'd roll her eyes when she didn't agree with something. I remember the way she thought she OWNED Cracker Barrel because she was a hostess there for YEARS and just knew everybody. I remember her sometimes talking to me and I couldn't understand her because she realized she forgot to put her dentures in. I remember her drooling over my little Jack at how chunky he was when he was born. All she ever did was blow on his belly and nibble on his cheeks. (without her teeth!) I remember her smile. Gosh, it was beautiful. So beautiful. Her laugh was the best. It was just so raspy. And after her laugh, she'd always lick her lips. Her kisses were humungous. She just had to let you know how much she loved you, all in one kiss. Sometimes 5. I remember her calling me one day last year freaking out because she could NOT find her bag full of lottery tickets. Nan to lottery tickets was like me to pregnancy. It just was part of her. Always. I remember her always smiling and talking about her family. She just LOVED people. She treated strangers like family. She always remembered details about my friends, and would ask me how they were doing. She was just a caring lady. I miss her.

I hated the way she called me Amanda. Nobody calls me that. But she did and now it makes me smile.

That's the only thing I hated though. :)

Nani made the entire room know she was there. Everyone called her Sarge. Funny, huh? Sarge was always in charge.

Now, I believe she is in Heaven just rejoicing. I can't imagine what she's experiencing right now. It puts a huge smile on my face.

Tomorrow is her viewing and I so badly wish I could be there with everyone saying goodbye. Saturday is her funeral and I wish I could celebrate her, but I will do so here.

Grieving has never really been a part of my life, and I hate that I'm having to do so. So forgive me if what I wrote seems too detailed or dragged on, but I'm learning to cope with this reality. It's unfortunate, but it's part of life. I just miss her so much. I told myself two weeks ago on my way home from a family portrait session I would call her, but it was 9'clock her time and I didn't want to wake her. I wish I would have, but it's okay.

Please pray for my family. Pray for her celebration ceremony this weekend that the Lord would be honored.

I don't even want to end this post. I will now though, and just keep thinking of memories of her. I have nothing but sweet ones. I'm honored to be her granddaughter.

Manda-moo loves you, Nan.