Dear sweet Nani...

Great.

I hadn't even typed one letter and I am already choked up. I can do this..

My beloved grandmother passed away peacefully on Tuesday afternoon. If we backtrack a week prior, I received an awful phone call; one unexpected to say the least. Josh, the kids, and I were in the car eating lunch when my phone rang. My family was on their way back from visiting my brother in Colorado. I answer my phone and my sister (she's 12) frantically responds, "Nana just had a heart attack." I had to stay calm, because the last thing I want to do is make a twelve year old scared out of her mind while she's in an airport restroom.

The next morning my mom caught the earliest flight to rush to the hospital to visit her mom. Text update after text update, I was still confused as to what was happening. Prayers were said throughout the day. Relying on God was the ONLY thing any of us could do. My hope is in the God who heals, the God who gives strength, and the God who loves. And although the worst outcome could happen at any moment, my prayers were that the same God of hope I was praying to could still be glorified in such an awful tragedy. I had to set my mind right, because all I wanted to do was shout on the top of my lungs.

The doctors did open-heart surgery and she was recovering so well! I thought the worst of it all was being healed and the road to recovery was just one day at a time. But, being 1500 miles away, the details were all over the place. Anyway, one thing lead to another and it just hit an awful turn.

My poor mother. She spent an entire week in the hospital by her mother's side, who hadn't even opened her eyes to see her there. They held hands. Nana would squeeze her hand, so I think she sensed her being there with her. And I only wish I was able to do the same.

Fast forward to this Tuesday and I received a text saying, "Nani will be passing very soon." I can't even handle this right now. I thought everything was getting better. I thought I would be up there to visit her next year. We JUST celebrated her 80th birthday party last year! Almost exactly a year ago.

So let me set the emotional side of this letter aside, and just talk about this wonderful lady.

Nani's 80th birthday was a BIG thing. We had it planned for months. Some people even took off work to fly in and see her! Nan, that's what I called her, was one of the most family-oriented people I've ever met. Family was her JAM. There had to have been 75 people at this party celebrating her. And you know what? She had no idea the party was even for her. Bless her heart. There were even banners up saying, "Happy Birthday!" and pictures of her hanging. I leaned over and said, "Nan, you do know this party is for you, right?" (She had already been there for a good solid hour...) and She slapped my arm the way she always did when she didn't believe something, and told me to "get out of town, Manda-moo." And then everyone started singing Happy Birthday to her, and tears just rolled down her face. I think her tears may have put that cigarette right out. :)

She is just so loved. I'm now more thankful than ever to have been able to live in Massachusetts for the past three years while Josh was in school because we were able to make a few trips a year to go visit. I remember the day we planned to go visit her and surprise her to tell her that I was pregnant with Jack. I was only 7 weeks along, but I wanted her to be one of the first to know! Nan had this crazy obsession with printing every picture known to man and hang (AND FRAME) on her wall. So I knew we'd have to take pictures for her! I'm so glad I did. I also got it on video of us telling her I was pregnant. Her response was classic. "Again?!" I know, Abigail was only 8 months old.

There are too many things to list WHY I love her, but I love thinking about memories of her. That's the thing that's keeping me from just losing it. My memories. And right now, it seems unreal to call them memories. It shouldn't be past tense. But that's just reality. I didn't realize I had so many until tonight when I was thinking about her. She used to live across the street from us when I was little and she'd always have us come over and make us strawberry milk and make us spaghetti. It was the only spaghetti I'd ever eat. The best. And now I have her recipe....just without onions, of course! I remember her having this ridiculous VHS movie collection and always having Jaws ready for us to watch. I remember writing letters to her once we moved to Italy. I remember every time I saw her, I would jiggle that skin under her arm because it was just so soft from all the wrinkles. It makes me laugh now. :) Sometimes she would just stick her arm out as soon as she saw us and say, "Have at it." I remember how she had such a strong Boston accent and would tell me to, "Get ya socks and shoes on, we're goin' to Walmahts!" She added an "s" to things that were most-definitely singular. I remember the look she had when she saw me put my wedding gown on. Sitting next to my mom, she got so choked up. She thought I was so beautiful. I was her Manda-moo. I remember her dancing at my wedding and getting her picture taken at the Photo Booth. [See picture below] I remember the way she'd roll her eyes when she didn't agree with something. I remember the way she thought she OWNED Cracker Barrel because she was a hostess there for YEARS and just knew everybody. I remember her sometimes talking to me and I couldn't understand her because she realized she forgot to put her dentures in. I remember her drooling over my little Jack at how chunky he was when he was born. All she ever did was blow on his belly and nibble on his cheeks. (without her teeth!) I remember her smile. Gosh, it was beautiful. So beautiful. Her laugh was the best. It was just so raspy. And after her laugh, she'd always lick her lips. Her kisses were humungous. She just had to let you know how much she loved you, all in one kiss. Sometimes 5. I remember her calling me one day last year freaking out because she could NOT find her bag full of lottery tickets. Nan to lottery tickets was like me to pregnancy. It just was part of her. Always. I remember her always smiling and talking about her family. She just LOVED people. She treated strangers like family. She always remembered details about my friends, and would ask me how they were doing. She was just a caring lady. I miss her.

I hated the way she called me Amanda. Nobody calls me that. But she did and now it makes me smile.

That's the only thing I hated though. :)

Nani made the entire room know she was there. Everyone called her Sarge. Funny, huh? Sarge was always in charge.

Now, I believe she is in Heaven just rejoicing. I can't imagine what she's experiencing right now. It puts a huge smile on my face.

Tomorrow is her viewing and I so badly wish I could be there with everyone saying goodbye. Saturday is her funeral and I wish I could celebrate her, but I will do so here.

Grieving has never really been a part of my life, and I hate that I'm having to do so. So forgive me if what I wrote seems too detailed or dragged on, but I'm learning to cope with this reality. It's unfortunate, but it's part of life. I just miss her so much. I told myself two weeks ago on my way home from a family portrait session I would call her, but it was 9'clock her time and I didn't want to wake her. I wish I would have, but it's okay.

Please pray for my family. Pray for her celebration ceremony this weekend that the Lord would be honored.

I don't even want to end this post. I will now though, and just keep thinking of memories of her. I have nothing but sweet ones. I'm honored to be her granddaughter.

Manda-moo loves you, Nan.

 Her sweet face seeing me try my wedding gown on. :)

Both Nana's in the Photo Booth. Have this bad boy hanging in my kitchen. Abigail loves it. :)

Her 80th

Just a weekend visit. She always hated her picture taken. She thought she looked best without her big glasses. Look at those slippers!

Getting ready for my wedding. She got her hair done religiously, but that day it was just looking GOOD.

Without her teeth. :) 

I am so loved

Dear single mama,

I want you to know that I see you. I've thought about you for a long time. I've prayed for you. I've wondered numerous times how you do it--how you make it through each day, how you stay joyful, how you get the energy to get things done.

Last week I was you. My husband was in Texas from Wednesday-Sunday. I know, you must be thinking, "That's only 5 days, Mandi. You don't get it." You know what? I don't. I hardly got a glimpse into your life. But what I do know is that you have ALL of my respect & admiration. You are strong and selfless.

Honestly, I don't know how you do it.

Josh was so sweet and had a surprise for me before he left. He sent an email to a bunch of ladies to see if anyone would be willing to take some time to spend with me and the kids while he was in Texas. Come time find out, every day I had anywhere between 1-3 friends make time for me. He knows that I find joy from being around people. It was the sweetest gesture.

On a side-note, I'd like to thank each friend who helped me survive:

Rebecca, you are a gem. You sat on the couch next to me and just listened to my problems. You played with my kids. You cleaned my apartment while I put the kids to bed. You were selfless with your time and could have been spending it with your husband. I'm so thankful for you. You're so kind. It may have not been a big deal to you for serving me the way you did, but it meant so much. I was exhausted and drained and you eased my night.

Rachael, I treasure you. You are one of my closest friends in Massachusetts and I love you. I looked forward to you staying the night for two weeks. As soon as Abigail saw you, her jaw dropped. She loves you so much. Thursday was a looooooong day--playground, Target (cha-CHING), Chipotle (my mouth is watering right now.....), and a trip to the grocery store in the storm. Even you buckling Abigail into the carseat made me so grateful. You carrying her into the store because it was pouring rain while I scooped Jack up and booked it so we didn't get drenched made me so grateful. You helping me keep one child calm while I gave the other medicine to help with the sniffles and cough made me so grateful. You listening to me made me so grateful. Your life right now is not the easiest, but you still made time to be with me and show me that I matter to you. I'm so, so thankful for you.

Suze, you are a special lady. I hardly know you, but you always seem to make an effort to get to know me. I feel like I never have time. I can't seem to balance getting out of the house with the kids to see friends and get house work done. Somehow you manage it. I'm thankful that you met me and treated us to a morning at the indoor playground. I'm thankful that you make time to get to know me. I'm thankful that you somehow slip God into every conversation. I'm thankful that you care so much for people.

Carie, you are so mindful. Friday morning was the best morning I had in a very long time. I'm thankful for you coming over to my apartment with breakfast (from scratch!) in hand. Thank you for coming over to allow me to have "me" time--time to shower, pray, read, journal, and EAT IN PEACE.  I'm thankful for your generosity and kindness. I felt so refreshed (probs because I took a shower!) after you left. I'm thankful that you made time for me that early in the morning when you have two kids of your own and a husband at home. You were my very first friend here, and I'm so blessed by your friendship.

Brenna, you are so sweet. I had just been thinking about how we never get to see each other (like, ever) and then Josh told me how you wanted to spend time with us. There is something so special about you. We've hardly been around each other, but when I think about you, I think about how joyful you are, which makes me joyful! I am thankful for the way you care for people. You are so attentive, and that really matters to me. You ask so many questions--questions that show you are paying attention and care about their well-being. It means so much that you listen. You're going to make an incredible pastor's wife. The way you and Nick raise those boys is incredible to say the least. I love the way you include Jesus in your every-day life--the way you correct and discipline your kids with a Gospel-centered approach. I'm thankful for the way you love your husband. I can tell by the way you talk about him. I seriously love you and value our friendship.

Ashley, you are wonderful. I was not surprised to see your name on my hang-out list from Josh. You are one of the most hospitable people I've ever met. And of course, dinner was made from scratch. Typical you. :) I'm thankful for your generosity and kindness. I'm thankful for the way you love your husband and little girl. I'm thankful that we are neighbors and I can borrow eggs, oil, milk, and pie plates from you at any given time. ;) Your parents did such a great job raising you. I appreciate you so much.

Lindsay, you are one of a kind. I've never met anybody like you. Aside from the fact that you are Taylor Swift's #1 fan (no, seriously), you are every bit crazy. I love it! Of course you wanted to take me and the kids to an entirely different state just to go shopping. UM, YES?! And of course you wanted to go into Starbucks before we even went shopping. You are so sweet. I'm so thankful that you offered to carry my burly 6 month old boy around on top of your newly pregnant belly. I'm thankful that you put my needs before your own and let me decide where we should go so that my kids would be comfortable all day. I'm thankful that you talk to me as if we've been friends for 20 years. I'm thankful that you have such a compassionate and empathetic heart. I'm thankful for who you are. I'm thankful for how you love people.

Yun Mi, you are amazing. I know you don't feel like you helped me much, but let's face it: Anyone who is pregnant & nauseous and holds one of my children the entire church service while I wrangle the other one up is amazing. Jack loves you. Abigail too! Actually, Abigail has a slight crush on your husband. I'm thankful that you took the time to be with me and help me get my children in and out of the car. I'm so thankful that you let Abs sit on your lap while you were trying to eat. I'm thankful that you paid for our lunch. Small things like this matter to me. They show me how personable and kind you are. You are so sweet and will make a fantastic mommy.

Josh, you are incredible. I love you. You put so much thought into this. You knew that I would feel so loved by doing this. I'm so thankful for a husband who cares for me, even when he's not here. I didn't realize how many diapers I changed until you left. I also didn't realize how annoying taking out the trash (full of diapers!) is when it is cold, dark, and rainy. I didn't realize how much of a help you were until you left. Waking up in the mornings to feed two children and myself was not the easiest. There is so much more I could say, but just know that I cherish you--and so do the kids. Every morning Abigail would wake up asking for you. And Jack, well....he didn't notice you were really gone, but when he woke up the next morning, his face lit up so big that I may have seen through his dimple. :)

All this to say, this weekend I was incredibly grateful. My heart is full. And I don't mean that like cheesy Christian jargon. I really, really mean it. The morning Carie came over and gave me time to spend alone with the Lord was so special. Josh and I have been going through 1John individually and I happened to be in chapter 3:11-24 for the morning. I'd been reading by the sections so I could focus more in depth, rather than looking at the whole picture. Anyway, as I kept reading, I got to verse 18 and just stopped:

"Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth." 

It hit me like a rock when I read that. All I could do was continue to thank God for loving me. I felt it. I could feel His love for me through my friends. Every one of them stopped what they were doing and had something planned for me and the kids. They could have just done their daily routine and not worried about me, but they didn't. They loved me in action. They didn't just say they care about our friendship, they showed me. God's love is the greatest gift. If you keep reading, chapter 4 says, "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us." -1 John 4:7-12

Maybe you're thinking this isn't a big deal. "So what if you have friends who help you out while your husband is gone for a few days. I am a single mom and have no help." I want you to know that you are loved and cared about. You are doing a phenomenal job. People underestimate stay at home mothers, but I value them. I value YOU. You are so important to your child[ren]'s development & growth. Stay strong and don't give up. You are showing them true love--putting their needs before your own.

If you are a single mom, it never hurts to reach out and ask for help. You need time to rest and have a peaceful mind. I want to be there for you. Even if you're in Florida, I can still make time to talk to you over the phone.

I almost bailed on a few friends because I was a little overwhelmed with having to be somewhere with someone the majority of the week. I'm so glad I didn't because the Lord showed me how much He loves me, and how much my friends do too.

So if I could challenge you in any way, love in deed and in truth, rather than in word or talk. I didn't realize how much of an impact this past week would have on me, and for that I am so so grateful. Go spend time with someone and show them how much they are loved!